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DE-HEARSALS

posted 17th July 07 ___ It’s just over a week since my last entry, and it really has been a productive few days. We’ve had two days of rehearsals during which time we’ve managed to rehearse exactly one new song. And in the process of rehearsing that song our sound technician has resigned, one of my keyboards has been stolen, and at least two people have been sacked. The lesson is clear; never,ever,practice. It exposes your weaknesses. I personally never practice. Its tiring and time- consuming, and it just makes you anxious. People who practice end up getting good at their instrument, and when that happens, sooner or later end up playing Jazz – Fusion in the Pizza Express. Listen to me kids, NEVER practice. It’s DANGEROUS. If what you’re trying to play is too clever for you, don’t do yourself an injury. Just play something stupider. And if it still sounds shit, It’s the soundman’s fault.

Our new guitarist, Stevie Nicked is a case in point. He hasn’t played in a proper band for years, so he’s been stuck in his bedroom, practising. So while its true he’s been coming up with some good shit, all too often he’ll come up with some Django Reinhart, Pat fuckingMetheny suspended F 13th that shows the rest of the band up. At the moment we’re force feeding him a Metamphetamine and MDMA solution through a nose tube in a private ward in St. Thomasa’s Hospital in order to burn out the extraneous brain cells that trigger these unsightly musical tumors.

Hopefully we’ll learn from this week, put the past behind us and never attempt to rehearse again. In that spirit, Let me highlight the very real achievements we’ve achieved over the first six months of this year of our Lord 2007…

SUNRISE FESTIVAL

Lead singer ejected by security and relocated to barley field from hippy festival after wristband “misunderstanding’ (See last post).

ROCKNESS

Lairy behaviour on aeroplane on the way over gives rise to 30 complaints from fellow passengers, including several of the festivals’ sponsors who happen to also be on our flight…Girlfriend of band member escorted from stage after impromptu stage invasion during the Chemical Brother’s set, then later arrested at hotel after screaming match with errant boyfriend outside hotel. Turns out someone with a twisted sense of humour booked us into the same hotel as the entire police force for the event. Class.Drum technician refused entry to flight home on grounds of inebriation.

Considering these are three of the four gigs we’ve played so far for this year, and the first one, at the royal festival hall, was cancelled due to the fact that the stage hadn’t actually been constructed, I think you’ll agree we’re on damn fine form.