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NO SLEEP TILL FROME PART 4
NO SLEEP TILL FROME PART 4
2007 Tour Diary Part 4 posted 11th November 2007
Wandering around before the soundcheck, I find the perfect gift for Rock Freebase...halfway through the gig, in front of 2000 people I present him with a brand new, baby pink, flying 'V' ukulele, a with sky blue carrying case. That is so a good look for him.
On the bus, Eddie tells me about a crackhead friend of his who recently moved into a disused pub in Shadwell, halfway between Peckham and New Cross, just off the Old Kent Road (Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect £200). Shadwell is officially twinned with the arse end of nowhere, so of an evening Eddie's friend got into the habit of smoking rocks while watching a late night TV. After a couple of weeks of this he became completely besotted with one of the presenters of Glitterball, the late-night, premium-rate, prole-milking quiz show. He couldn’t even remember her name, but after a couple of pints in the Albert he'd start going on about how gorgeous she was, how she was caught up in a corrupt media world she didn't understand, how she 'needed protecting'. He started calling her his 'little Glitterbitch'. He got into the habit of doing rocks while wanking off in his underpants, watching her going:
'Crack...Crack.... What? Don't keep it to yourself...Give me a call... how would YOU spend £2000?
Get Ready! It's a TURBO round!
Half way through a massive hit on the pipe, Eddie's mate hears an almighty crash outside the window of the pub. He goes to the window, and there's a huge Polish goods lorry jackknifed in the middle of the road, flashing blue sirens. Police all around it. And there's Eddies mate standing in the window in full view, his pants round his ankles, pipe in hand.
I don't know what happened next, and I still don't quite understand how Eddie was able to narrate this story in such intricate detail... I can only presume that he must have been a very close friend...
I keep getting in my bunk the wrong way round. As Shaun, our driver, and various members of the crew keep reminding me, you really shouldn’t sleep with your head facing the front. If the bus prangs into the car in front, or even breaks suddenly, you’re neck will break, causing instantaneous death. The other way round, you’ll just be paralysed from the waist down.
Just a week ago, the drummer from Polish extreme metal band DECAPITATED died after a tour bus accident...from ‘severe head injuries.’ I promise I’m not making this up.
During our first European tour, as the bus hurtled around the Spanish Pyreneesat 80 mph, Davy Fowler, our roadie, took it upon himself to recount to me a seriesof gruesome stories involving the death and/or mutilation of various pop luminariesin nasty tour bus accidents. This greatly enhanced the effects of my vicious comedown.
As I gnashed my teeth Davy described how Christine Aguilera was lucky to come away with her life and steel rods supporting her spinal column after one such prang. Lovely Alice Nutter from Chumbawumba is still recovering from the effects of a fractured skull after a four foot fall from her bunk, and if Davy is to be believed, anobscure ensemble of Austrian Goth Rockers was guillotined en masse by a lowbridge just outside Krakow in 1986.
I was attempting to digest this information when the red and swollen face of our Eddie appeared. Chuckling, his bloodshot eyes bulging, Eddie told us he'd been up front chatting to Pete, our driver, as the bus wound itself at terrifying velocity around the Andalusian ranges. Pete had been kind enough to offer him a portion of the Devil's Dandruff, and Ed was full of admiration for Pete's abilityto steer the bus with his knees while casually racking out lines on the dashboard. At this point I suddenly felt very, very tired...
Permanent paralysis or instant and very silly rock.n.roll death?... a bit of a poser...
I think I’ll carry on sleeping headfirst.
(c) Orlando Harrison 2007