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ALABAMA 3 MAKE A NEW RECORD
ALABAMA 3 MAKE A NEW RECORD
Its that time again! What time? Time for the Alabama 3 band to make another record! Really? but its only a year since the last one! What was it? It was ‘The Wimmen from W.O.M.B.LE’. The who from what? The Wimmen from The World Of Militant Beat Liberating Executioners! I’m sorry, I haven’t got a clue what you're going on about. I know! Neither has anyone else! That’s why we’ve got to make another record!
Larry Love’s concept for our previous two albums was so bizarre and incoherent that no-one could grasp it. Consequently, no-one reviewed it. Consequently, few people outside of a rump of loyal hardcore fans (thanks guys) bought it. I mean what, when it’s at home, is a Beat Liberating Executioner? Apparently I’m one. Or I, er come from the World of one….?
I suppose if David Guetta, the millionaire french producer and super DJ, somehow deposed Abu Bakr al-baghdadi as head of ISIS then took over the globe with a blend of infectious pop rhythms and brutal Islamic fundamentalism, then we would, indeed, be living in a World Of Militant Beat Liberated Executioners. But then surely, David Guetta’s ambiguous sexuality, and his promotion of decadent western lifestyles would sow deep ideological divisions within the new Caliphate, ultimately preventing it from functioning as an effective form of global government? See? it just doesn't work.
Not that you’d know that from spending 10 minutes with Larry Love, our glorious leader. But then if you spend ten minutes with Larry, there’s a every chance that you’ll come away believing that Up is Down, The Earth is Flat, and Bob Dylan’s cover of ‘Jingle Bell’s’ is his best work since Blood on the Tracks’. Also you’ll have ended up giving him all your drugs yet still mysteriously owe him 40 quid.
Frinstance, during the the production of said album, late one night in the studio, I tried to pin Larry down on the meaning of our new project. I was positive that the idea was a bunch of horse shit. But after 10 minutes I was convinced that all the ‘young team’ were looking up to us, thought that our new beats were ‘sick’, and that Larry had single-handedly re-invented feminism, a phenomenon for which all the ‘brothers and sisters’ on ‘the frontline’ were profoundly grateful. Also, I had no drugs left, yet I mysteriously owed him 50 quid.
But Larry has always had an uncanny ability to inspire enthusiasm for unlikely projects. Witness the entire career of the Alabama 3, for example. But this Womble thing just wasn’t flying. Part of the problem was that none of the ‘young team’ we were supposed be reaching knew what a Womble was. And to be honest, had we sat the ‘young team’ down and showed them a selection of the original Bernard Cribbins voiced animated tales, I don’t think it would have helped our credibility that much.
Another problem was that the cover of both albums was the full official title of our last album was ‘The Wizard Presents: The Wimmin from W.O.M.B.L.E.’, in tribute to the work of our diminutive yet supernaturally gifted producer. The trouble being that any album title preceded by the qualifying phrase ‘so-and-so presents’ does not count in iTunes as original work, and therefore won’t be recognised in any official chart. So once again, we found ourselves holding a smoking gun aimed squarely at our own foot.
After a sustained practice of begging, pleading, reasoning, cajoling, lying and more pleading Larry was finally persuaded to abandon his idea for a W.O.M.B.L.E trilogy. Rumour has it Uncle Bulgaria chartered a helicopter all the way from Wimbledon Common to the offices at Jamm in a last ditch effort to dissuade our management from continuing with the project, and save the last vestiges of his colleagues’ credibility, in the twighlight of their careers….
(Next - Alabama 3 attempt to make their new record in like a real studio with like amps and stuff)